last night i laid awake thinking about homemade nachos

I’m not sick!! I’m not sick!! I went from completely bedridden to frolicking down streets of gold. Not really, because I got dizzy going up stairs and if the streets are gold it’s only from all the dog pee (see Few Qualms I Have with Siena).

So life is all lasagna and fruit tarts these days (again, really just this day because the last two were horrible and involved not so much actual eating as attempting to make it look like I ate and flicking tortellini onto Kendis’s plate furtively*) and my Italian teacher is amazing and defending me even though I don’t deserve it because she knows I only did horribly* on my midterm because I was half-dead. Figuratively*.

*I, Lauren Laws, intended to defend against Mr. Woods claim that adverbs are obsolete.

In other speakings, my English is getting progressively* worse and worse and maybe we really shouldn’t use adverbs and why do I still talk all the time anyway. And maybe we should all just speak Polish liiiiike the hilarious lady who came to dinner tonight [segue]


The lights come up on a dining room in an over 800 year house, three American girls sit on one side of the table. Two adults at one head and two more girls at the other. A polish lady, Italian college student, and younger Italian (about 14) sit along the other side, backs to the audience.

[soft murmuring while the Polish lady gestures with her hands a lot until gradually words become more clear]

Lady: asks some things in Italian
4 Americans: silence
Luigia: attempts to understand and asks for everyone’s plates
2 Italian daughters: eat something different, and healthier than the rest of us
Flavia: politely asks for only a little bit
Elizabeth: reaches for Frizzante acqua
Me: predicts it will not be frizzy
Elizabeth: is disappointed
Alyssa: asks Lady where she is from
Lady: somewhere in Poland that I did not catch…asks if things in the house are authentic
Franco: says the house was built in 1265
Me: [aside]Mille due cento?!!!
Elizabeth: asks him to repeat
Franco: it’s 800 years old
Me: [thinking] Mamma Mia
Elizabeth: [aloud] Mamma Mia!
Me: excited for a change to add something to the conversation, La mia casa…é sette. Holds up seven fingers.
Much laughter
Franco: asks if my house is like the ones in Hollywood
Me: Ummm, not really.
Luigia: asks if we all saw the tarts
Me: [thinking] why yes we saw them from our balcony room actually.
Schizzo: tries to open the door to escape
Luigia: disappears for a while so we can’t have the tarts we had seen.
Luigia: returns, hands out tarts giving the one that falls apart to Franco.
Lady: tries to teach us words in Polish, because our Italian is so great we’re obviously ready to move on.
Virigina: tries very hard to say said Polish words
Franco: also tries
Me: think that Polish might be impossible with an Italian accent.
Luigia: forces more tart on everyone, ignoring requests for none or small pieces.
Lady: wants to know how to make lasagna and tarts, asks Luigia to teach her
Luigia: goes into detailed explanation about how to cook such things, including peeling onions
Me: thinks she said peel the cow and cut it into pieces, horrible imagery
Elizabeth: informs me I misunderstood and laughs for a while
Virigina: says something in English
Blank stares
Luigia: finally decides she will teach ALL of us (after asking when we get out of class) at 15:15 or 15:30
Me: [again glad to have something to contribute] la clase di Luigia!
More laughter
Lady: continues to talk…
Me: can no longer follow when she switches languages

Pouring of mysterious green alcohol that as they drank I couldn’t tell if they enjoyed it or not.

Finally retreat about 9 o’clock, me happy to haven eaten for reals.

Yesterday I was sick and not really interested in the food and Luigia was like “senza carne! Senza carne! E verde” which I knew because only Don Johnson thinks meat is green. But then Franco winked at me and said, “c’ѐ carne.” Which means there is meat. And it made me smile despite half-deadness. I believe winking should occur more in everyday life. It is a great thing. Infatti, we don’t even need courting, when I feel ready I will just run off with the first person who winks at me…but then it would be an old man…or Lynzie. Which I would be okay with if the cards hadn’t told her today she’d marry someone else.